This is because I can tell they don't take me and my feelings very seriously. " With a troubled look on his young face, the boy quietly said, "Not good." In response Sue exclaimed, sounding surprised and incredulous, "Not good!? I watched him take a few steps, then just stand there, alone. Maybe his father was the type who would try to distract his son with thrilling and risky sports such as hang gliding, soccer, surfing, and race car driving. I just stood there, stunned, while I watched and made mental notes. Now you might think this one incident is a small thing. Maybe they are good listeners when it really counts. Either way, they all could have handled that situation much better. To remind everyone that it is these little interactions with children that make a difference in their lives and in society. When I got there, she didn't seem very happy to see me. I tried to explain to her what I was afraid of and she said, "Don't think so much." (Actually, looking back, maybe it would have helped. " Then maybe I could have explained it to her and she would have learned something useful and it would have started us on a path of better communication and understanding.
I see that they are not going to do anything to help prevent what it is that I am worried about. That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.) I was only kidding. I bet it is heaps of fun." Then she turned her attention back to the boy's parents. I still find it hard to believe that anyone could miss a child's reaction that completely. This is probably how he was taught to deal with feelings by his father and by the Australian culture. I probably will never forget the dejected way he turned and walked away. I want it to inspire me to keep working for the needs of children and teenagers. If one were to ask that child how much he felt understood, between 0 and 10, at that moment, what might he have said? It is unlikely considering what happened next, but maybe with someone else it could have helped.)I just sat there, stunned. Then I said, "Why don't you want me to think so much?
When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities. As a parent I want to teach my kids these things Ive learned.
Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. So when they felt bad or angry I tried to help them find a way to make themselves feel better.
Or it may eventually isolate them from their feelings, with a resulting loss of major part of their natural intelligence. Most of them are so insidious that we don't even know what is happening. I swear I want to just shout out WHAT THE F**K?? "One day in Australia I decided to try hang gliding.
We know that something doesn't feel good, but we sometimes can't put our finger on it. I was going to end it there, but Id like to know, when did cutting become so popular? I went up with an instructor, floated and flew above the waves and coastline for about 20 minutes, then landed on the sand. I started thinking maybe there was something wrong and wondered if she had second thoughts about the plans we had made to go travelling together.
And yet, it is neither illegal, "immoral" nor even widely recognized as a problem.
They were taught at an early age that their interpretations of and feelings about the things around them were bad and wrong. To me that is like telling a fish not to swim so much or an artist not to draw so much. I know there are many ways other people try not to think so much.
They learned that certain feelings weren't allowed. They distract themselves with TV, movies, music, shopping, sports, religion, drugs, alcohol etc. Those things don't help me find answers to my questions.
On the other hand, going on the offensive often escalates the conflict or puts us in the position of trying to change another person. So she probably just tried to tell them not to feel how they were feeling.
One sign of both high self-esteem and high EQ is the absence of either of these defensive responses. Parents, like teachers and many others, get accustomed to telling people what to do and having them do it.